Oof, it was so hot today that my brains were dribbling out of my ear a little bit. ("lil bit" said in De Niro's voice). I came home and what is waiting for me but more homework. Okay, Akvetcher, here ya go:

If I could be a writer, I'd totally be a travel writer. I mean, come on. Getting to travel all over the world and writing pithy comments about silly observations and making bank for doing it?! (interro-fantasy!) Oh, Lonely Planet, wherefore hast thou forsaken me?

If I could be a chef, I'd be an Iron Chef. With Alton Brown on my team. But without that yellow-pepper-eating-weirdo Takeshi Kaga smirking at me. And the secret ingredient is: chocolate! No joke, Musicalchef, it's on.

If I could be a movie critic, I would use the following grading system, from highest to lowest:
Movies I'd see in the theater mutliple times and then purchase on deeweedee
Movies I'd see in the theater and then recommend to family and friends.
Movies I'd wait for on deeweedee so I could rent it from Netflix.
Movies I'd wait for to show up on cable.
Movies I'd wait for to show up on network teewee.
Movies I'd accidentally see and then warn everyone within earshot to avoid at all costs.
Movies I will cross the street to avoid seeing, acknowledging, or helping escape rabid dingoes.
Movies I'd gouge my own eyes out before watching.
Movies I hate.

If I could be a time-traveler, I'd like to visit last weekend and find out where it went.

If I could be a pirate, I'd be the best buccabloodyneer that 'ere sailed the seven seas. My loyal monkey crew and robotic limbs would make me nigh invincible. I would literally rule with an iron fist! I would be indominatable! Landlubbers would cower before my might! *ding* ooh, my veggie lasagna is ready.

So I reckon I'm supposed to pass this stick along, but it's really too hot to engage in such strenous activities so I'll just leave this stick right here for anyone of you to pick up. Did I mention that my veggie lasanga is ready?

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