1.06.2009

Get Off My Lawn or I Will Commence With The Fist-Shaking!

In my youth, I was pretty easy-going and not much disturbed me. The image in my head of the young me is that I sort of floated through life, oblivious to much, pleased by the little things. I find that as I get older, I am more easily annoyed. Granted, I don't have the bottomless well of rage and sense of indignity to which some have easy access and upon which some seem to delight in drawing (*sidelong glance at TP*). But, there are certain actions, statements, behaviors, whatnot that get my dander up and I can actually feel the red indicator in my crotchety meter rising. Here is a "How to annoy Baji" primer for those of you who like to live dangerously:

  • Clip your nails in a public place. Whether it's on the Metro or in a conference (I've witnessed both), it is completely unacceptable for you to snip pieces of yourself and let the chips . . . err . . . clips fall where they may. Are you seriously so important and busy that you don't have time to groom yourself in the privacy of your own home? I don't want to see you filing your nails (ugh, nail dust entering the atmosphere and into my nose and lungs!), trimming your cuticles (blech, bits of skin discarded on the floor right in front of me), or cutting your fingernails (each clip clip clip successively louder than the last until I want to jam an emery board into my ear to stop the sound . . . or better yet, into YOUR ear).
  • Position yourself directly in front of the elevator doors and just assume that it will be empty upon opening. It's not that difficult to stand to the side, wait a beat, and then enter. Sometimes these folks plant themselves in front of the doors while people (i.e., me) try to exit and they either don't move aside or, even worse, try to board before everyone has disembarked. For those people, I utilize my "what to do if a mountain lion attacks" skills and try to make myself appear as large as possible to make them back up or go around.
  • Stand in line at the store with only some of your items while your partner-in-crime continues shopping and dropping off items at her leisure. This happened to me at the ghetto CVS up the street one day and when you have a cranky two-year old and a hungry baby waiting patiently but just barely, the last thing you want to deal with is waiting for Shaniqwa to saunter back with some detergent she just saw was on sale while Latisha holds up the entire line and disregards the anxious teller's comments about moving it along.
  • Board the Metro while I'm on it. This may seem like an overbroad and vague activity but invariably, I am annoyed by someone doing it. It's not that I want to deny anyone the opportunity to use and support public transportation. It's just that so many people do it in such a head-banging, foot-stomping, loud-voiced, stankonia way. They sit right next to you when the car clearly has other open seats. They cough and sneeze directly onto your head and don't bother with the niceties of covering their mouths or wiping their hands before they grasp the handrails. They try to take up more than their allotted seat. They try to talk to you when you are clearly reading and don't want to be disturbed. They open up the newspaper to its full wingspan despite the fact that you are blanketed by it in the process. Occassionally, they fall on you. For more information, please visit this site.
  • Ignore me and my attempts to give you cuddles and smootches but wait until the precise moment that I'm getting someone else to drink her milk and go to sleep and then pounce and demand something (attention, your own milk, an episode of "Sunny Day," anything) and start this new version of communication called "screaming" that you have developed an unnatural fondess for and try to use at every inopportune opportunity.
  • Wait until the last second to ask me to review and edit something you've written and demand a response ASAP even though you have known about your deadline for days, weeks, months.
  • Ask me if I'm pregnant when I'm already toting an infant around. Or toting nothing at all. I am well aware of the leftover baby fat encircling the girth of my belly. I just want to purchase my groceries and/or enjoy the dinner party and then go home. The next time someone asks me that, I'm going to punch them in the face and/or never visit again.
I'm sure there are eleventy bajillion more things to add to this list so just consider this Volume I and stay tuned. OR ELSE!

17 comments:

lil b said...

LOL I can't believe that woman fell on you!! So funny.

No one EVER sits next to me on the metro when there are other seats available. I must stink.

baj said...

they must be too intimidated by your fierce eyezbowz.

also, if you note the date, that woman fell on me when i was like 7 months pregnant. thanks. thanks a bunch.

2Scoops said...

I had an unbelievably fantastically schadenfreudian time reading that entry. Despite never visiting (I know, I know, I am the world's most unreliable friend I am) this post reminded me why I like you so. The entertainment factor is off the charts. I am still chuckling over "every inopportune opportunity." Ahahaha! Such phraseology, such witticism!

sophister said...

Some girl sat next to me the other day when there were plenty seats open. I just don't know what these people hope to accomplish. Maybe they are just looking for a human connection? Maybe i should spend next summer at Walden pond. Who knows.

baj said...

2s - you know that you've made it to the 'sketchy' list for me and yaz, right? we still love you, we just can't find you!

sph - well, for me, i think girls want to sit next to me b/c it's safer than sitting next to thuggy mcstinksalot and guys want to sit next to me b/c i'm so dang hot. but you are terrifying and hideous so i'm at a loss as to why they'd want to sit near you.

sophister said...

But don't they know its haram for me to touch a non-mahram? Why don't they know that!? Notwithstanding my terrific and hideous visage, maybe its my eye brow hair style that attracts them?

baj said...

see, if you wore a hijab like you are supposed to, then (a) they would not even see your eyebrow hairstyle and thus avoid temptation, (b) they would know the haramness of their seating choice and (c) you'd save us all from gazing upon your terror-inducing visage.

2Scoops said...

Whew, that is such a relief. I was so worried I had transcended the sketchy list and was on to the mcstinksalot list. TANKS GOD!

sophister said...

wait, hijabis cover their eye brows?

baj said...

do'h! you have a point (on the top of your head). okay, maybe you'll have to work the full-on burkah to foil these browphiliacs.

HijabMan said...

I think 2scoops has fallen into the sketchy list for all of us, baj. He called me out of the blue the other day after what, 8 months? a year? And seemed shocked at my .. shock :)

And i'm overdue for a visit, aren't i?

baj said...

2scoops just enjoys his man of mystery persona. why do you think he bought that full length, all-concealing coat? granted, it was electric blue and a puffy parka but still! and everyone is always overdue for a visit in my book. ;)

HijabMan said...

I can't believe you went there.. re: shaniqwa.

Oh man.

:) I'll be down to visit soon.
I have some belated eidi for Z. & Az!

Jacob Patrick said...

"It's just that so many people do it in such a head-banging, foot-stomping, loud-voiced, stankonia way."

You have misused the term "Stankonia," which is in fact a bad-A album from Outkast (see: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stankonia). According to the Urban Dictionary, Stankonia is also "the place from where all funky thangs come."

Just wanted to drop some knowledge bombs. =)

Also, use this burgeoning bottomless-rage-well in your gym adventures. That's what gets me through sometimes too.

Also (also), I didn't know TP had a wealth of rage. That's a good fun fact.

baj said...

jp - actually, if you look up the word 'funky,' you'll realize that i've used 'stankonia' in a perfectly cromulent manner. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/funky%5B2%5D

"funky: having an offensive odor"

also, aye, i should draw upon my furious anger when i'm on the machines.

also, ha! that's tp's trademark! i used to call him 'an angry young man' but now he's an 'angry old man' which doesn't have the same zing. ;)

Osman said...

so i was sitting in the doctors' lounge between cases today and a surgeon sitting beside me took out a file and started working on her nails. loudly. seriously.
i couldn't help but think of your post and the possibility of "nail dust."
so I did the only sensible thing: i took the mask that was fortunately and conveniently already draped around my neck and promptly put it on!
unfortunately, i had just masked my look of disgust...

baj said...

LOL! too funny. yeah, the nail dust idea came to me a long time ago when i saw the movie 'the ice storm' and heard this bit if dialogue:

Because of molecules we are connected to the outside world from our bodies. Like when you smell things, because when you smell a smell it's not really a smell, it's a part of the object that has come off of it, molecules. So when you smell something bad, it's like in a way you're eating it. This is why you should not really smell things, in the same way that you don't eat everything in the world around you because as a smell, it gets inside of you. So the next time you go into the bathroom after someone else has been there, remember what kinds of molecules you are in fact eating.