How To Mortally Wound Yourself During Spring Cleaning
(or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Split Infinitive)

First, obtain a cast iron grate vent register, preferably an antique from the early 1900s which is designed with numerous scrolls and loops and which, over the course of nearly a century, has accumulated a decalayer of paint. Next, find a clean workspace or, failing that, a filthy one. Firmly grasp one sharp end of the grate and begin scraping the rust and paint (oil- and latex-based) with a screwdriver. When the project is half-way complete, take a break by giving yourself a botched manicure. While performing the last scrape before the break, skewer the screwdriver into your thumb in such a manner so that the nail separates from the skin. Bonus points if you manage to wedge some of the newly scraped paint into the wound. Use the blood as a lubricant as you wrest the screwdriver out of your thumb. Admire your handiwork, slap on a bandage, and complete your project with success.

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