Worthy of a CV - "course of life"

When you are looking for a job, you are required to craft a résumé with highlights of your vast experience and stellar education.  You know what they want to hear, you have examples galore to bogart at will, and a few bullet points, fancy fonts, and margin enhancements later, you've got yourself a fine looking sample.  

But what about the job for which you cannot prepare,  you have nil experience, and you cannot fathom what is required of you?  I'm speaking of the illustrious career (because it is a career) known as parenthood.  What in my past made me think I was cut out for this?  What skills, if any, have I accrued that will help me now?  Where is my mind?  If I had to present something in writing, I think I would include the following:

  • Utilized degree in law to negotiate with, argue with, and hand down judgment to equals and subordinates
  • Applied degree in English to read and translate books to those with the inability to do so themselves and tweaked creative writing skills to engage in storytelling in the oral tradition
  • Honed hand-eye coordination after years of experience with programs such as Space Invaders, Breakout, and Circus Atari in order to deliver nutrition in a precise and accurate manner to a moving and/or sealed object with minimal shrapnel and debris
  • Streamlined skills actualized by engaging in Taboo competitions in order to analyze and comprehend Toddler-Speak 2.0
  • Strengthened ability to overcome sensation of jet lag and still operate in a normal fashion after frequent international travel and engaging in unusual non-awake positions with multiple individuals in the same berth
  • Furthered voice training gained from roadtrip karaoke sessions with sibling in order to cantillate and to issue disciplinary edicts
  • Proficiency in sanitation management gained while employed at a medical office
  • Held position of culinary engineer with ability to prepare comestibles for the most fastidious of patrons
  • Displayed technical savvy in ability to operate complicated machinery such as the Comcast cable remote control to access Thomas and Yo Gabba Gabba On Demand 
  • Developed expertise in employee relations by acting as manager in a law office and corporate setting
  • Improved ability to sit through countless repeats of cartoons and children's entertainment via own hours of television viewing
  • Entirely responsible for employees’ existence.


upyernoz said...

you might also want to add that you once were a child yourself, and thus have a special insight into the lives of your clients.

baj said...

that's pretty much in line with the tv viewing expertise, but good point to include it as overall experience.

Jacob Patrick said...

You've got street smarts, too. Remember when that lady wanted your parking spot, yelled at you, and you calmly told her to go away? Then you wrote down her license plate number as she drove off, and made fun of her for the rest of the afternoon. So, add grace (and humor) under fire to the list.

baj said...

ah! you're correct! and you have an amazing memory! what a jackhole that chick was. i also almost had to throwdown with another chick who gave me the stink-eye and trying to start something as we were going to the metro. when we got into the system, she smirked that she knew which car was mine and it would be too bad it some damage came to it. i smirked back that her face was on the metro's video surveillance camera and if there was damage done, i'd know who did it. don't mess with me!

Anonymous said...

Damn you are tough.

baj said...

you gotta be.

Owl said...

Vat drama in dis box. Baji what was with the chick on the metro? What set her off?

And I wanted to add to your CV: "Rockingest Baji-type-chiz in the w(v)orlds."

baj said...

i think my looking directly at her instead of averting my eyes set her off. i'm a magnet for trouble. and thx for the recommendation! can i get that in writing?

Owl said...

Any time Baj :)