*insert wavy flashback lines here*

So, bright and early, Friday morning, TP and I packed our bags (me with a single backpack and him with an entire half-suitcase carry-on deal . . . holy role reversal, Batman!), hopped onto the Metro, and flew over jewel-like islands and into Portland, Maine. After short 15 minute cab ride down to the docks later, we trolled the streets for the Italian grocery store to stock up on some vittles, for the famous Amato's (apparently the birthplace of the "Italian sandwich"), for some bubble tea, and for some lohbstah (TP selected an ugly two-pounder). Here's Pinchy getting ready to wash some dishes:



We waited at the docks for the water taxi to pick us up and whisk us away to Cushing's Island. It was a gorgeous day so we didn't mind getting lost and going around half of the island TWICE before finally finding the house. We lugged our luggage out of the wheelbarrow we had been carting around, put our stuff away, and immediately headed out for a walk to the beach (all of 2 minutes away).



Upon our return, we spooked four deer who bounded into the woods at our approach. Two big 'uns, however, stood their ground and glared at us as we passed them by and entered the house. A few minutes later, I peeked outside again and saw that they had not moved. Such bossy deer.



For dinner, TP attempted to wrassle Pinchy who, with his thick, meaty tail, was thrashing violently against the slate sink base any time TP got near him. Except for the fact that Pinchy didn't fall onto the floor, it was a scene right out of Annie Hall. TP managed to scoop Pinchy up into a pot, toss him in a bigger pot, and boil the rascal until he turned from muddy brown to bright red.



Ding ding ding! Dinner is served!

Travelogue in progress. In the meantime, have you guys heard of this? It's "Fulla," a Muslim Barbie doll. Extry Extry, read all about it.



The very popular Fulla doll is sold in the Middle East wearing either a black abaya or a white head scarf and long coat. Under these modest coverings, the dolls wear fashionable dresses.

(via Gunnar)

Hey, kids, I'm back. Had a good time in jolly ol' New England, but MAN does it get cold up north. Travelogue chock full of bossy deer, violent lobsters, and beautiful seaside vistas coming up. We'll be back after a word from our sponsers.

So long, sukkahs!

You axed for it . . .

Books on Bookcase #1

1. The Greatest of Marlys by Lynda Barry
2. One Hundred Demons by Lynda Barry
3. The Far Side Gallery (1, 2, 3, and pre-history) by Gary Larson
4. The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein
5. Beg the Question by Bob Fingerman
6. Persepolis (I and II) by Marjane Satrapi
7. The Final Solution by Michael Chabon
8. The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon
9. Mysteries of Pittsburgh by Michael Chabon
10. The Minotaur Takes a Cigarette Break by Steven Sherril
11. Jenny and the Jaws of Life by Jincy Willet
12. Brief Interviews with Hideous Men by David Foster Wallace
13. Oh, My Word!; Take my Word For It!; and Upon My Word by Frank Muir and Denis Norden
14. Cruel Shoes by Steve Martin
15. CivilWarLand in Bad Decline by George Saunders
16. The Very Persistent Gappers of Fipp by George Saunders and Lane Smith
17. Coyote v. Acme by Ian Frazier
18. The Art of Survival by A.E. Maxwell
19. The Neal Pollack Anthology of American Literature by Neal Pollack
20. Red Dust by Ma Jian
21. Waiting by Ha Jin
22. Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil by John Berendt
23. The Club Dumas by Arturo Perez=Reverte
24. Chump Change by David Eddie
25. Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf
26. Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer
27. Into Thin Air by Jon Karkauer
28. The Eyre Affair by Jasper Fforde
29. The Well of Lost Plots by Jasper Fforde
30. Lost in a Good Book by Jasper Fforde
31. The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri
32. The Gashlycrumb Tinies by Edward Gorey
33. Amphigorey by Edward Gorey
34. Gates of Eden by Ethan Cohen
35. The Cheese Monkeys by Chip Kidd
36. Chip Kidd by Veronique Viene
37. Wigfield by Amy Sedaris, Paul Dinello, and Stephen Colbert
38. The Griffin & Sabine series by Nick Bantock
39. The Venetian's Wife by Nick Bantock
40. The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales by Smith and Scieszka
41. McSweeny's Quarterly #5
42. McSweeny's 6 Find Them and Convince Them
43. Palace Walk by Naguib Mahfouz
44. Dorothy Parker Anthology
45. Beowulf
46. Fathers and Sons by Turgenev
47. Rudin.On The Eye by Turgenev
48. A Woman of Independent Means by Elizabeth F. Hailey
49. One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
50. On The Road by Jack Kerouac
51. The Lottery and Other Stories by Shirley Jackson
52. Eats, Shoots & Leaves by Lynne Truss
53. Ex Libris by Anne Fadiman
54. The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark by William Shakespeare
55. A Midsummer Night's Dream by William Shakespeare
56. Macbeth by William Shakespeare
57. Plays by Chekov
58. Spotted Horses; Old Man; The Bear by William Faulkner
59. A Moveable Feast by Ernest Hemmingway
60. The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas
61. Dracula by Bram Stoker
62. Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
63. Edgar Allen Poe Anthology
64. The Decameron by Boccaccio
65. Cat's Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
66. Collected Stories by O. Henry
67. Old Goriot by Balzac
68. The Stranger by Albert Camus
69. The Picture of Dorian Gray and Other Writings by Oscar Wilde
70. The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
71. Nine Stories by J.D. Salinger
72. Franny and Zooey by J.D. Salinger
73. Side Effects by Woody Allen
74. Without Feathers by Woody Allen
75. Getting Even by Woody Allen
76. Hoidays On Ice by David Sedaris
77. Naked by David Sedaris
78. Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim by David Sedaris
79. Barrel Fever by David Sedaris
80. Take the Cannoli by Sarah Vowell
81. The Partly Cloudy Patriot by Sarah Vowell
82. The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini
83. Stories by Franz Kafka
84. Life with Jeeves by P.G. Wodehouse
85. Life of Pi by Yann Martel
86. The Adventures of Ibn Battuta by Ross E. Dunn
87. Bunch of Dictionaries, Lonely Planets, and Knick Knacks.

How lazy can you get?

Yay! Travelogue coming soon to a blog near you. Once I go on my trip that is. Cushings Island off the coast of Maine, here I come!

*packs telescope, ship's log, and other pirate essentials*

Avast, ye scury landlubbers! Harkon thee well. 'Tis less than half a fortnight ere the bells toll and 'tis Talk Like a Pirate Day. Are ye ready? Let's see (out of our patchless eye, of course) how ye scalliwags fare in tangling with the lingo. If ye dare.

Happy Birthday, Nanaji!

(he's the one to the right of the monsterous, menu-weapon-wielding, menacing statue -

I mean, honestly. How many children to you think he ate? The statue; not my Nanaji.)

Pandi's 'Pinions

Special Edition!

Everybody raise your glasses of bamboo juice! Li'l Baji and Gunnar are engaged! I'm so excited because they are very happy. The wedding will be so much fun - we are going to dress up, eat, and party. Soon, I'll officially be a Swedistani Panda! I will be able to make bamboo samosas with one hand and build IKEA furniture with the other! Mabrook and best wishes from all the pandas in Blogistan.

xoxo, Pandi

Happy Birthday, my little waterbaby!

Competitiwe Adwantage

Guest Post by First Year Med Student/Part-time Plumber Oz

My embryology prefessor is an Indian guy. He's got a way thick accent. His lectures are very scattered and he rarely follows his outlines. This wouldn't be so bad in any other subject, but embryology has its own, [seemingly] very esoteric vocabulary, so it's nearly impossbile to keep up.

I was talking to a girl in class and she was telling me that she was going to leave and go study, and not stick around for the next lecture.

"I'm just not getting anything out of this. He's all over the place; and I can hardly understand what he's saying!"

I politely agreed with her, but we all know better: though he was all over the place, I knew perfectly well what he meant by "hot wallv."


Post Script Post
Happy Bananiversay, my little monkey!

I went for a ride in my friend's brand new, convertible, candy orange Mini Cooper S the other day. And it bit me. Hard.

Then I went for a ride in my dad's brand old, convertible, lipstick red 1961 Austin Healy today. And it did not bite me at all.

Lesson to be learned? Stick to Austin Healys.

Pandi WAS going to give his 'pinion on the movie Broken Flowers, but Upyernoz beat him to it.
Pandi WAS going to give his 'pinion on the book Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, but it had some very naughty parts and he wasn't allowed to read much of it.
Pandi WAS going to give his 'pinion on the new free cell phone, but it hasn't arrived yet.
Pandi WAS going to give his 'pinion on the song Seed 2.0, but it's even naughtier than the book.
So, instead, Pandi sings this song to Literaunty for the funny, HEAVY prezzie she gave to us via MC Chef and Broheme:

Brass Monkey
That funky Monkey
Brass Monkey, junkie
That funky Monkey. . . .

Ah, the daily commute.

Heard on the Metro:

"Attention. Please look up from your newspapers and Blackberrys now and then to be aware of your surroundings. If you see any suspicious behavior, please report it to a Metro official ee-mee-dee-ately. Remember: Be prepared, not scared. This has been your Metro tip for the day."

"Naw, naw, naw, see we is in homeroom together. Fah real! Naw, I know, I saw yo schedule. Gurrrl. Oh mah Gawwwwd, shat up, I love this song; this mah SONG!"

"Doors closing (bing bong to the tune of "Jane Says")."

"I've got a meeting with someone the White House tomorrow . . . "

Seen on the Metro:

A gorgeous view of the Potomac River coursing below us with the butter yellow sun shining above us.

A roach. A rat (on the rails, not in the train). A smear of some bodily substance making a clear view through the windows impossible.

The cool, deep green of the Virginia trees as we emerge from underground and seemingly into the endless sky.

This guy twitching and scratching and flinching wearing a ratty, stained t-shirt that barely provided any protection for his scabby skin topped off with a loud purple hat. He could be the stunt double for Tyrone Biggums. No joke.

Smelled on the Metro:

You don't wanna know.

This post goes out to that slow-moving, decrepit, disdainful, chain-smoker's wheezing, lung-hacking, locks-wrenching hairdresser I had a brief encounter with on Friday:

Errors in Communication Between My Hairdresser and Me,

in the Form of What I Said and What He Heard.
BY JEZ BURROWS
- - - -
"Just a little off the length, and a little thinned out?"
"Could you make me look like a clown's apprentice?"
- - - -
"A little shorter, thanks."
"I want the style that would emerge if you combined all three of Charlie's Angels."
- - - -
"Just the usual - little shorter and thinner."
"You know when you have a bubble bath and you shape it all around your head? I want it like that."
- - - -
"If you could take some of the width off, that'd be great."
"If you could make it hard for me to appear in public, that'd be great."
- - - -
"Of course it isn't OK - you've disfigured me beyond repair. I look like a mushroom."
"That's perfect. Take my money."

Pop Quiz

Q: You get a flat tire driving along one of DC's many treacherous streets teeming with potholes, jagged curbs, and broken pavement. You don't even notice your flat tire until several streets later because it is normal to experience shuddering jangles and jerks as you drive around town. You parallel park your car in a safe area and find that the right rear tire is badly punctured. You are wearing flip flops and therefore cannot kick the lugnuts off with your tools and put the spare on yourself. You call AAA because you pay them $56/year for pretty much no service and the least they could do is fix your freaking flat tire. You are told that someone will come within the next two hours or sooner. It is noon and 90-odd degrees outside. Do you:

a. Get a courteous call in a few minutes that a repair truck will be arriving in two hours, at precisely 1:54 p.m.

b. Make a polite status inquiry call at 2:00 p.m. when nobody has shown up only to find out that the dispatch has called and said someone will arrive at precisely 2:13 p.m.

c. Make a frustrated status inquiry call at 2:30 p.m. only to find out that there will be an additional 45 minute wait until the repair truck can come.

d. Make an infuriated status inquiry call at 3:30 p.m. only to learn that "the dispatch was just about to call you because the truck is about 10 minutes away now."

e. Memorize the cracks in the sidewalk, realize that what you had mistaken for a walnut was actually a dead bat on the ground, and donate blood to at least five to eight mosquitos before the truck finally shows up at 4:00 p.m.

f. All of the above.

I was all ready to write a "Dear Blog" letter to let my blog down easy; to assure it that it was me, not it; to end our relationship in as dignified and tearless a manner possible. Then, I thought I'd employ all of my stealthy ninja-like moves to assassinate it in the dead of night; or middle of the afternoon; or perhaps after tea. Finally, I thought I'd just go out with a big bang and list a bunch o' crap about me before I had to shut 'er down. But y'all won't let me!

I've been too busy hostessing with the mostessing, going to work, coming home from work, visiting family, attending weddings, attending baseball games, and watching fat kids watch other fat kids dance. So. It comes to this. An excerpt from Sarah Vowell's Take the Cannoli on her post-Hall-of-Presidents visit at Disney World:

Boy, all that glory glory hallelujah sure makes you hungry. We exit the theater and agree that it is time to "Liberate Your Appetite" with a late lunch at the Liberty Tree Tavern . . . The maitre d' announces customers as if they're representatives to the Continental Congress, barking their last names and that of their home state. He gives the bell to a small child from "the Great State of Pennsylvania" who is supposed to ring in the meal. The child yells a phrase the maitre d' whispered into his ear: "Hairy! Hairy! Hairy!" Probably he's supposed to say "Here Ye," but I'm not one to knock the healing power of childhood Disney mispronunciations: When I was four, my parents made an appointment with an ear, nose, and throat specialist the moment they realized I was half deaf, rendering the Mickey Mouse Club theme
lyric "Forever let us hold our banner high" as "For every little polar bear to hide."

"The Vowell Family from the Great State of Illinois" is seated and served the Patriot's Platter - a family-style Thanksgiving dinner. I'm not quite sure if I feel particularly patriotic about strawberry vinaigrette on my Declaration Salad, though I gladly pledge allegiance to the mashed potatoes of the United States of America.

100 Things About Me [Part 2 of 2]

1. I have attended safety school, public school, Catholic school, non-denominational private school, college, and law school.
2. I have attended Mass, a Seder, and Diwali
3. I loathe running for the sake of running, grammatical errors in published books, and wintergreen anything.
4. I have lived near a river all of my life: Taff, Ohio, Hudson, Mississippi, and Potomac.
5. I never really learned how to drive a manual transmission car but I have driven a U-Haul truck (with Cressie hitched to the back) across several states alone.
6. I have enjoyed scuba-diving, parasailing, and snorkeling.
7. I am a pack rat; I get that from my Mom who gets that from her Dad.
8. If I were to compare my handwriting to a leaf, I'd have to go with either the ginko or the tulip.
9. If I had to choose only one cuisine to eat the rest of my life, it would be Italian. I mean, come on: pasta, pizza, gelato, cannoli, cappuccino, macchiato, do I have to go on?
10. Almost every time I get my hair cut, the stylist comments on how thick my hair is.
11. One of my earliest memories is being enraptured by watching my father shave in the morning and then getting a shaving cream design of cookie monster on my little palm as a treat.
12. Another early memory is of pretending to make French Toast (plastic pieces that fit onto a toy plate) for my mother and asking her if she wanted sesame seeds or powdered sugar on it.
13. In my youth and into my adulthood, my father and I share this ritual: he sees my light on in my bedroom late at night; he knows I'm reading and sings out, "Baby doll, go to sleep!"; I respond, "Okay, Dad! Good night!" and continue to read for several more hours.
14. I took four years of Spanish in high school and remember very little of it.
15. In school, I used to envy the kids who had braces.
16. I probably don’t drink as much water, eat enough greens, or get as much sleep as I'm supposed to.
17. I have voted for the Independent presidential candidate for every single election since I could vote except in 2004.
18. I have seen Frank Sinatra in concert and was probably the youngest audience member there.
19. I wish I could use and take advantage of my Palm Pilot (now TP's) as much as my sister does.
20. I used to love Welch's Grape Soda. Liquid candy!
21. I dislike small minds, small dogs, and small girls wearing thick make-up and skankified clothes.
22. I can give a pretty decent tour of Washington, D.C.
23. I have ridden a camel, horses, and a very large dog.
24. I have been on a helicopter, a cruise ship, and various motorcycles.
25. I used to hate but now I love tomatoes, olives, and dates.
26. When I was younger, I used to break my fasts with chocolate chips.
27. I can raise just my left eyebrow.
28. After a bout of chicken pox, I lost a chunk of eyelashes on my lower left eyelid which never grew back.
29. The only time my parents ever spanked me was when I was in Pakistan and had to take a horse-pill-sized malaria pill but couldn't choke it down. Well, couldn't without a little added physical incentive, that is.
30. Dad used to enjoy waking me up in the morning by holding the palm of his hands, recently wetted by after-shave, under my nose until the fumes, yes, fumes, woke me up.
31. I was once so addicted to Atari that I formed calluses on my hands from holding the joystick so tightly.
32. I like ice cream. I like cake. But I don't like ice cream cake.
33. With my Dad being a cardiologist and not needing copies of EKGs after he had reviewed them, I had an unlimited supply of scratch paper growing up.
34. Newcomer to a new country, my Mom was so concerned about my English language skills that she forbade me from purchasing comic books for fear that they would ruin my grammar. That didn't stop me from devouring them when we visited friends who had a stash though.
35. Going for Hajj is still the most spiritually overwhelming experience I've ever had.
36. I have one bookshelf dedicated to travel guides and languages, one to classics, one to comics, one to compilations of humorous pieces, one to DVDs, one to non-fiction, one to mysteries and sci-fi, one to mild fiction, one to edgier fiction, one to outrageous fiction, one to photo albums, one to series, one to hardbacks that don't fit anywhere else, and one to books I haven't read yet.
37. I have twin sisters-in-law.
38. I really have enjoyed meeting all of the bloggers and blurkers that visit – be it in person or just virtually.
39. This list thing reminds me so much of the lyrics by L7: Enough talk about me, Let's talk about you, What do you think of me? What do you think of me, me, me...
40. Once, when I was choking on an Everlasting Gobstopper, my Mom saved me by performing the Heimlich maneuver.
41. One of the things I really dislike about myself is my boundless capacity to hold a grudge or want revenge; but I'm working on that.
42. I have been lovingly called the following: Monkeyboots, Junk Monkey, Buck-toothed Monster, The Buck-Toothed Kid, Tuckered Out Mouse, and Snarling Beast.
43. In my pre-teen days, I was so enamored with Star Wars that when a special behind-the-scenes show came on television one pre-VCR year, I recorded it onto an analog, audio, old-school tape with my tape-recorder. As a clip featured Han Solo warning jubilant Luke Skywalker, "don't get cocky, kid," you could hear my Mother doing the dishes and my parakeet chirping in the background.
44. When I sleep, I don't so much toss as I do turn, like a goat on a spit, in one place.
45. At family functions, I tend to tower over everyone else.
46. I love irony, sarcasm (when witty and dry, not mean and stupid), absurdity, and twists.
47. I will readily admit to being a Buffy fan. Joss Whedon rules!
48. I was a Girl Scout, a 4-H member, and a Guppy.
49. I wanna rock and roll all niiiiight, and party ev. er. ee. day.
50. I'm done.

100 Things About Me [Part 1 of 2]

1. I was born in Merthyr Tydfil, Wales
2. My family moved to the United States when I was three months old and I've been traveling ever since.
3. If I could, I would become a professional world traveler.
4. The locals of every country (except China) that I've ever traveled to believe that I am from their country.
5. I love my parents, my sister, and my husband.
6. I have taken piano lessons, tried flute for a while, and am quite adept at singing the tunes that the non-vocal instruments create in songs.
7. Without cable, I have become more attracted to home improvement television shows, cooking shows, and travel shows than ever.
8. I was once in such a rush that as I was exiting my bedroom, four of my toes cleared the doorjamb; my pinky did not. It broke and despite its perpendicular angle to the rest of my toes, my father insisted that it was just bruised.
9. I believe there is an appropriate Simpsons quote for every occasion, and that, if someone can quote The Simpsons they can't be all bad.
10. I'm a fan of British comedy.
11. When I was a child, I decided to extend the track of my motorized miniature car and proceeded to roll the car along my arm, up my neck, and into my hair where the wheels became inextricably tangled and had to be cut loose.
12. I have a hard time comprehending the fact that some people don't read for pleasure.
13. I like cheese, monkeys, and pirates; one equally as much as the others, but rarely in conjunction with each other.
14. I first learned the sign-language alphabet when I was reprimanded for talking in class with my friend and we decided to continue our v-e-r-y. s-l-o-w. c-o-n-v-e-r-s-a-t-i-o-n-s. in silence.
15. I prefer dark chocolate over milk, hot weather over cold, and comedy over tragedy.
16. I've never smoked, had an alcoholic drink, or taken any drugs that were not over-the-counter.
17. Despite my disinterest in sports and apathy for exercise, I participated in the following in school: kickball, dodgeball, softball, field hockey, tennis, swimming, badminton, track, basketball, and gymnastics along with some unnamed sport that involves all of the children grasping an edge of a parachute and whipping it up and down to make a ball in the middle fly up.
18. I love the smell of laundry, jasmine, and Vera Wang's perfume.
19. I once had as pets the following: parakeets, fish, hamsters (one of which went rabid), a box turtle (who ran away), cats, chicks, and by default, my neighbor's dogs (upon whose warm bellies I would sometimes rest my head in the summer and nap).
20. I used to count among my favorite televisions shows the following: The A-Team, Voyager, Manimal, Remmington Steele, and Saturday Night Live. I will only admit to SNL now and even that I don't like as much anymore.
21. I enjoy an eclectic mix of music. I used to say I liked "all kinds of music except country" but now that has grown on me and pop music irritates me instead and I'll never really get into industrial quote music unquote.
22. In college, I joined in on the Rocky Horror Picture Show's audience participation night. More than once.
23. I work for the U.S. Government and have the badge, fingerprint record, and meager paycheck to prove it.
24. My car is a 1992 Toyota Cressida named "Cressie" which I can parallel park with ease.
25. My favorite lotion is Santa Maria Novella's rose milk lotion.
26. I've had the best and the worst pizza in Italy.
27. I can spend an inordinate amount of time browsing the beauty products aisles.
28. My favorite accent is the Scottish accent.
29. I love "Catcher in the Rye," "Marathon Man," "Me Talk Pretty One Day," and "Ex Libris" inter alia.
30. When I was younger, I could form a 'jump rope' with my arms (hands clasped together) and jump through them.
31. I have held, at one time or another, the following paid, some more than others, positions: garbage collector, house painter, travel writer, attorney, cherry picker.
32. My hair is long and dark brown that turns reddish in the summer sun.
33. My mother used to call me in from playing outside by alerting me to the fact that the Muppet Show was on; these days, Brak, Samurai Jack, or Spongebob Squarepants would probably do the trick.
34. I am plotting the death of my blog.
35. I'm still stunned that Bush got re-elected.
36. Other than Eid, Talk Like a Pirate Day is my favorite holiday - which is not a sanctioned holiday, but should be.
37. I always try to read a book before the film-version comes out, regardless of whether or not I plan to see the remake.
38. Despite the many "are ewe tew twains?" we are asked, I am five years older and five inches taller than my sister.
39. I have bestowed upon my sister the title of beloved, enemy, stalemate, friend, best friend, and beloved.
40. My sister lives anywhere between 1.0 and 1.2 miles away from me, depending on which route you take.
41. I love movies and have seen probably more than my share over the years.
42. Despite having done quite well in A.P. Calculus, I'm bad with numbers.
43. If I don't get to become a professional world traveler, I wouldn't mind opening my own bookstore, and spend my days reading and discussing books with people, and not caring whether I sell the books or not.
44. I enjoying making up my own words whether or not Literati or Scrabble acknowledges them.
45. I am assisting a friend in creating a sci-fi graphic novel.
46. I dislike public speaking immensely.
47. I have no appendix, wisdom teeth, or perfect sight.
48. I have a fairly dark sense of humor and get reprimanded often for it.
49. I love caffeine in chocolate, coffee, and tea form.
50. One of my favorite possessions is a gold ring that was given by a prisoner in WWII Hong Kong (on charges of being a British spy), to my Uncle (also imprisoned for the same reason), to my Grandmother (who was also in Hong Kong at the time), to my Mother (upon finishing the Quran) to me.